I’m starting to know the staff at Dr. Strangeglove’s office
on a first name basis. In the last two months, I’ve been in the doctor’s office
three times, and it isn’t all that nice of an office.
After the ultra sound I had the day of the blizzard, about
two days later this creeping back pain returned and at first I thought that it
was another kidney stone, then I thought maybe a strained or pulled muscle. But
the pain intensified and moved throughout the back and it had me really
worried. I thought maybe I had lung cancer and I was on my way out. But put
that champagne away, its not.
Now a little bit of info before I continue: when you go to
Dr. Strangeglove’s office and you are called into the examining room, the nurse
leads you to the scale, weights you and then points you in the direction of the
toilet where one can barely turn around, let alone pee into a cup for their
collection. Before leaving my house for the appointment, I had to go, and I had
to go like immediately but thought I’d tough it out for the 5-minute drive to
the doctor’s office and things would be wonderful. His on-time record is better
than the Long Island Railroad’s lately and so I had confidence on his being on
schedule. I also have confidence that this is the year for the Mets, Jets,
Islanders and Knicks. This I believe every year, and of course, it never is.
Why would Dr. Strangeglove be any different?
My appointment was for 12:45, a big mistake in the middle of
the day. I didn’t go into the examining room until 2:15! Do the math and then
realize the agony of waiting for that extra time. When I finally reach the door
for the toilet, there is someone in it! A little old lady who had trouble
negotiating the doorway with her cane was in it. Not only that she was
sarcastic enough to say: I could sell pencils while waiting, yet she could
Without being vulgar, that was without a doubt the longest
pee in my history!
So finally at 2:45, the doctor enters the examining room and
asks his usual question: “And how are you?” as he peers into my file. I tell
him all about my pain in the back and the history of the past few weeks with
it. He surmises, smacks me in the kidney area, and finally says: “Let’s take
some x-rays.” Yes, let’s!
Turns out I have about 4 vertebrae about mid-way down the
spine that are degenerating and turning into pointed intrusions and the aorta
is showing calcium deposits! These are the causes of my pain, since the aorta
is showing on the x-ray and shouldn’t. Unfortunately for me, I can’t have an
operation in that spot, and so I have to see an orthopedic specialist at some
My aunt Marie used to have a saying. Actually she had two,
one was: “Joe, don't get married. If you do get married, don’t have kids… if
you do, drown them.” But her best advice was: Don’t get old!” I never listened